Check-In Time

Part of "The Artist's Way" process is to re-read your "Morning Pages" --- those 3 pages you are supposed to be writing daily of whatever is on your mind. I haven't written every day but, overall, I'm proud of my dedication to the process. That's the good news. The bad news is that it makes for a lot of reading! I also decided to re-read my posts here. They have served, in many ways, as a form of "Morning Pages (MPs)" --- especially since no one reads them but me.



One of my goals for this blog was to rediscover things that have been put aside. I wanted to be intentional about work-life balance and friends. I wanted to be intentional about my home life - decorating, baking, the fine art of homemaking. And, from re-reading the MPs, I realized that I've actually made some progress on these goals!



Over the last few months, I've spent more time baking and caring about how my home looks. There are almost always muffins baked now - unless the kids eat all the bananas first. The house has been decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving and now, Christmas with a renewed sense of passion --- and for Christmas, whimsy. In the "needs more work" category --- um, housecleaning!!! But, I figure, a few dust bunnies never hurt anyone!



The MPs have helped me gain a sense of confidence about my friends --- those I have both needy and not, those that nurture and support me, those that fill other roles and those that I like but don't have to spend a lot of time on (I mean that in that nicest way possible... truly). I have suffered for as long as I can remember from an enormous lack of confidence in the friend department --- hurt feelings if I feel "left out", struggles of jealousy when a "best" friend has more than me as a best friend (the nerve!) and other struggles. I'm not saying that I'm healed but has there been progress? Absolutely! And, for that, I am incredibly proud of myself.



My attention to my family and juggling work demands continues to be a struggle. But I feel good about my efforts to... be a better wife, lover, cheerleader to Jim; to pay attention to Helen and her schoolwork; to support Katie and let her grow her wings. I'm more aware of my role as a wife and mother. I've been more intentional in the way I spend time with them and the way I love them. Work continues to be a demand on my time but I've realized that the pursuit of balance may be something I never achieve. I can only keep trying.



As my friend, Janel, says.... "We don't come to this fully grown". I feel like I've done some growing. The process continues...

Lucky Girl

It's been a hectic week at work and at home. From a work perspective, the week still has one more day to go. I should be preparing for tomorrow's Board Retreat, studying my budget and financials (for the umpteenth time!).

Instead, eating peppermint ice cream and driving around on a hunt for tacky Christmas house lights with my girls won. And now, there is a homemade blueberry coffee cake in the oven --- made with blueberries we picked together this summer at a local farm.

Earlier today, I had the loveliest lunch with girlfriends. Jim planned it as part of his birthday gift to me. Friends I love... who love me and nurture me at a lunch planned by my husband. Perfect.

I'm a very lucky girl.

Thankful

Both of my girls are home now. Katie arrived, safe and sound, last night. I snapped this picture of the two of them, holding hands, at the airport. If I have done nothing else in this world right, I have raised two amazing young women.

I am thankful.

Balancing Act

Last week's assignment in "The Artist's Way" was about balance. Actuall, it was about "Recovering the Sense of Possibility". For me, I found encouragement to focus on finding time for yourself and others - without turning into a pansy. I walked away from the chapter pondering on the question, "Am I running my life or is my life running me"? The timing of this chapter, along with all of the other things going on in my life, was not lost on me.

After the meltdown of a few weeks ago, I have tried to be very intentional about balance. I've been intentional about how I spent my time, where I spend it and with whom. I've also tried to focus on priorities: my family, my friends, my work, myself. And that has meant drawing some lines and putting up some boundaries.

I thought through some requests on my time from "needy" friends. I set boundaries on how much of my time and energy I would give them. And, I stuck to it. I thought through other requests for my time. In some instances, I plunged in. In others, I said No. Most importantly, in every instance, I didn't feel guilty. MY time was just that - mine. I owned it. I was focused on how to spend it. And it felt good.

I've also been spending more time focused on Helen's academics. Unlike her sister, she does not have a tremendous amount of self-discipline. As a result, she has been struggling at school. Not because she isn't bright or intelligent, but because she doesn't have strong study skills and the discipline to actually study rather than watch television after school. I've been racing to pick her up and bring her back to the office. It has made me feel like a contestant on "The Amazing Race" - but without the hope of $1,000,000 at the last pit stop.

I got my prize today --- or the realization that all of this extra effort has been worth it. She got 100 on some extra credit she worked on last week. She sat down and did her homework this afternoon with minimal nagging from me. She has only watched the 6:30 news since we got home. She seems calmer about her school work. And, more confident. I am thrilled. I'm also realistic. I'm enjoying today because who knows what tomorrow will bring. But for today, the racing around has accomplished a goal. Time and attention for my daughter. There is plenty of work to be done, at the office and here at home. But I made an intentional decision about how to spend my time. And, today, it has paid off.

Running on Empty...

Yesterday I ran out of gas. Not with my car but with my ability to juggle everything, do everything, be SuperWoman. And let's just say, it wasn't pretty. After a good night's sleep and a relatively calm day, I am assessing the damage and figuring out how to put the pieces back together. One of my favorite lines from "Anne of Green Gables" is "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it". I got that today and am incredibly grateful for it.

The last two weeks have been filled almost non-stop with activities: Work deadlines, errands, field hockey games, quick recall matches, an amazing trip to visit friends and the everyday mechanics of being a working wife, mother, friend, daughter and sister. I knew it was too much -- I kept saying it to myself but I didn't do anything to stop it, manage it, control it. Instead, it controlled me. To make things worse, I actually ADDED things to the list. And what do I have to show for it? Exhaustion, embarassment, frustration, tears....

Today I got back on track. I took care of myself. I took care of my family. I took care of my work. And I feel better. I spent time doing the things I wanted to do -- even if it was mopping the kitchen floor and going to the grocery. I spent time in the office and did some good work. I nurtured my creativity --- doing my morning pages (even if it was in the afternoon) and baked some amazing banana muffins. I spent time with my family and really paid attention. I feel better.

I don't think the tank is totally refilled but it has more in it than fumes. And compared to yesterday, that's amazing progress. It was a day with no mistakes in it.

Nurturing My Creativity....

Here is another assignment from The Artist's Way class. In this one, we tore up pieces of construction paper while thinking about negative thoughts or blurts that hindered our creativity. Then we used the pieces to create something positive and reflective of an affirmation we chose.

My affirmation? I can grow and nurture my creativity.

I started this blog with the very best of intentions --- to channel my journey into the afternoon of my life. Well, apparently my afternoon has been pretty busy. I haven't posted anything since July.

I recently started a class based on "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It's a process to recover your creativity through different exercises and spirituality. The first assignment from our class leaders was to draw and circle. Within the circle, we were supposed to show where we are in our life that has brought us to the class. I chose the theme --- "afternoon of my life".

My assignment is at the top. Other than the 3 year old coloring of the sun, I like what it says and how it looks. I'm so proud of that adirondack chair I could bust! What I've found from this journey, so far, is an awakening of my desire and interest in creative activities. Is it some kind of placebo effort or a true reawakening? I guess time will tell. Regardless, I'm enjoying it and the effect it is having on me.

So far this weekend...I looked for flowers and gourds to decorate the house for fall.... brought the fall decorations downstairs to decorate inside..... made homemade cookies.... made 2 pots of soup.... finished knitting a hat.... started knitting a dishcloth.... made a list of other knitting projects to work on and gotten reacquainted with this blog.

I was making the cookies when I realized that I didn't remember the last time I had made homemade cookies AND that it really wasn't as hard as I remembered. Is it because I'm older now and didn't have little helpers with me? I was cooking to nurture my own soul as I mourn the sudden death of a co-worker on Friday. I'm sure that channeling my energies into making lunch for my friends had something to do with my feelings of "Wow... this isn't as hard as I remember". All I know is that I have several dozen cookies packed up and ready for the office AND two crock-pots of soup simmering in the kitchen. And, a huge sense of satisfaction for a weekend well done.