A Christmas post-mortem

It was a wonderful Christmas!

The time spent with family, the food, the gifts.... everything came together. We even had a light dusting of snow to make it a white Christmas. This has been one of my favorite Christmases in recent years.

I was calm the whole time --- not a single meltdown. That's big for me. I usually work myself into a state of total craziness from trying to get everything done. Then have an ugly meltdown... really ugly. Not this year! I was able to get everything done on my to-do list and still slip in an occasional nap and read a book. I found myself, one night before bed, just staring at the tree. I stood there and enjoyed the lights, the smell of the tree, the presents around it. I felt more present than I have in years. It was magical.

So why is it that I am now craving to go back to work? I'm actually craving to go back to something that wreaks such havoc on my sense of balance. Why is staying home really nice but boring and unfulfilling in so many ways? I really don't understand it. It's not even that I'm looking forward to the work. Don't get me wrong, I find a great deal of fulfillment from my work. But the to-do list part of the job holds absolutely no appeal to me. It's more the idea of being out and about. Contributing. That is what I seem to be craving -- even though I know that I will struggle with it and its impact on the different areas of my life.

Does this further support my growing belief that balance is something I will never fully attain? Or am I just a glutton for punishment? Stay tuned...

Be Careful What You Wish For.....

So I have this great idea where I will be intentional about embracing the afternoon of my life. I will reassess how I spend my time. I will try to find enthusiasm for things I used to enjoy. I will find time for creative activities. And, while I didn't say this, I'm pretty sure I didn't expect that this journey would have... well... bumps in it. It was all well and good when I hit the "publish post" on my very first entry.

Then this week began and here's what has happened so far.....

This is a holiday weekend --- and a long weekend from work. In the course of one afternoon, I find out that Jim has invited our friend, Alan, and his family to stay with us over this weekend. And, before Alan and crew arrive, one of Jim's old girlfriends will be in town and ---- yep, you know where this is going --- he has invited her over for dinner. The good news is that both sets of guests are lovely. Jim is a great ex-boyfriend. All of his ex-girlfriends are lovely, actually. Well, except for one. I know that we will have a lovely evening and that the slumber party with Alan's family will be lots of fun. But, seriously, both things... in one weekend.... is God somewhere smiling, laughing and pointing His finger at me?

But wait, there's more...

I spent some time this week reflecting on how much of my time is spent on work. Not just being there and doing my job but feeling guilty because I have left something undone to come home. Or checking email when I'm not working. Or, on the flip side, realizing that I haven't done any of Helen's camp paperwork because I've been working.

I am tired of feeling like my position isn't being respected. I am tired of having too much on my plate and not enough soldiers to handle it all. And I am tired of feeling like there are certain expectations of the position that I can't meet. And, then, before I bust from inner turmoil, I talk to my boss. It goes pretty well but involves rambling (from me) and hurt feelings (from my gently put words about his management style and my struggles with them) for him. I leave his office in a rush --- got to pick Helen up from day camp --- and feel terrible. Beyond terrible. Tears streaming down my face, "I'm a whack job, what have I done", terrible. Conversations with Jim and a colleague from work and an email to Rob (my boss) seem to have settled my heart but I still feel badly. And the worst part, I don't know what to do. I'm left wondering... "What in the Hell do I do now"?