Getting back on the wagon...

I haven't posted anything in over a month. Why? Part of the reason is fear. Fear that I don't have anything "good" to say - meaningful, powerful, profound. Part of the reason is because -- let's be honest -- no one is reading this but me. So, what's the point? It's not like anyone is missing my posts. But if I want to express my creativity and keep track of the things I'm holding myself accountable for, then I've got to post. I need to post. I need to get it out, profound or not.

I've been working on another liturgical stole. This one is for the husband of a dear friend who is a Presbyterian minister. I have said to myself that I will publish the pattern. I've made one other stole and received tons of compliments. I also received several suggestions that I publish a pattern for it. It would be cool to have an official pattern with my name on it - on Ravelry. So, what's stopping me? I've already got it written out on paper. I just need to type it up and post it.

Last Friday, I got my hair done. While I was waiting for all of the chemicals to do their thing and hide my gray, I noticed two very career-oriented women getting their hair done. One was talking on her cell while the stylist tried to wash and cut her hair. The other had her iphone plugged into an outlet in the stylist's station. Her hair was full of highlight foil and she, too, was talking away. She told her stylist that she needed to make one more call and delayed doing so only when he said that waiting might make her hair too light. She looked at him skeptically but let him remove the foil and wash her hair. I was sitting there, watching, wearing my yoga pants and a "Life is Good" t-shirt. They were both dressed "to the nines" in stylish career apparel.

For all of the stress and chaos in my life, self-inflicted and otherwise, I sat there pleased with my career choice. I'm grateful that I have a job that pushes me, a life that keeps me constantly juggling but I still have enough balance to turn work off long enough to get my hair done. Work has been challenging -- I'm struggling with managing folks and just wanting to be left alone to do my own work, not to mention an incredibly difficult personnel issue --- and home has been challenging --- Jim has come home from yet another difficult day and prepared me for the fact that he might get fired tomorrow. But I still have those moments of taking a deep breath and just sitting in a space of balance. Today it was passing up on a walk to get some much needed additional sleep and embracing how good it felt to wake up later, but rested.

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm nervous about the day and all that it holds. I hope that, no matter what happens, I'll remember to find that little space of balance. And that I'll curl up in it and embrace.

There... getting back on the wagon wasn't so painful.

A Christmas post-mortem

It was a wonderful Christmas!

The time spent with family, the food, the gifts.... everything came together. We even had a light dusting of snow to make it a white Christmas. This has been one of my favorite Christmases in recent years.

I was calm the whole time --- not a single meltdown. That's big for me. I usually work myself into a state of total craziness from trying to get everything done. Then have an ugly meltdown... really ugly. Not this year! I was able to get everything done on my to-do list and still slip in an occasional nap and read a book. I found myself, one night before bed, just staring at the tree. I stood there and enjoyed the lights, the smell of the tree, the presents around it. I felt more present than I have in years. It was magical.

So why is it that I am now craving to go back to work? I'm actually craving to go back to something that wreaks such havoc on my sense of balance. Why is staying home really nice but boring and unfulfilling in so many ways? I really don't understand it. It's not even that I'm looking forward to the work. Don't get me wrong, I find a great deal of fulfillment from my work. But the to-do list part of the job holds absolutely no appeal to me. It's more the idea of being out and about. Contributing. That is what I seem to be craving -- even though I know that I will struggle with it and its impact on the different areas of my life.

Does this further support my growing belief that balance is something I will never fully attain? Or am I just a glutton for punishment? Stay tuned...

Letting Christmas In...

My Christmas season officially kicked off this weekend. The girls and I went to Madisonville for my father's family's Christmas party. It was full of cousins, laughter and love --- not to mention a hilarious round of a gift exchange game. It made me think of all of the fun we had growing up, going to Granny's on Christmas Eve with all of its chaos, food, laughter, chatter, story-telling. I told someone that night that hardly a day goes by when I don't think of Granny. I thought of her a lot that night and wished she could have been with us.

Last night was our church's Christmas pageant. It is NOT a Broadway production, thankfully! A simple script and costumes, only 2 rehearsals and cast with anyone who wants to be in it. It fills up my heart every year and helps me welcome the holiday. This year did not disappoint.

I've tried to bring the holiday into our home this year on a more intentional way. I've decorated differently putting some things in their traditional place and doing other things a new way. It was fun and the girls seem to be enjoying it. I found an idea on one of the other blogs I read that had a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, drawn with chalk, on a door. Since I now have a chalkboard door, I decided to do the same thing. I came home from a date with Jim one night to find that the girls had "decorated" the tree by drawing ornaments on it. That's it at the top of this post. Ignore the still-not-painted trim and walls in the kitchen. But, isn't the door too cute!? Other different things this year... a dum-dum sucker Christmas tree, stockings over the pet's food bowls and glass bowls with bright red ornaments in them on the mantle.

It's only Monday. I still have several days and a long to-do list before Christmas Eve. I want to really enjoy this week....take what comes, take it all in and try to make it memorable for me and my family.

Welcome, Christmas!

Check-In Time

Part of "The Artist's Way" process is to re-read your "Morning Pages" --- those 3 pages you are supposed to be writing daily of whatever is on your mind. I haven't written every day but, overall, I'm proud of my dedication to the process. That's the good news. The bad news is that it makes for a lot of reading! I also decided to re-read my posts here. They have served, in many ways, as a form of "Morning Pages (MPs)" --- especially since no one reads them but me.



One of my goals for this blog was to rediscover things that have been put aside. I wanted to be intentional about work-life balance and friends. I wanted to be intentional about my home life - decorating, baking, the fine art of homemaking. And, from re-reading the MPs, I realized that I've actually made some progress on these goals!



Over the last few months, I've spent more time baking and caring about how my home looks. There are almost always muffins baked now - unless the kids eat all the bananas first. The house has been decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving and now, Christmas with a renewed sense of passion --- and for Christmas, whimsy. In the "needs more work" category --- um, housecleaning!!! But, I figure, a few dust bunnies never hurt anyone!



The MPs have helped me gain a sense of confidence about my friends --- those I have both needy and not, those that nurture and support me, those that fill other roles and those that I like but don't have to spend a lot of time on (I mean that in that nicest way possible... truly). I have suffered for as long as I can remember from an enormous lack of confidence in the friend department --- hurt feelings if I feel "left out", struggles of jealousy when a "best" friend has more than me as a best friend (the nerve!) and other struggles. I'm not saying that I'm healed but has there been progress? Absolutely! And, for that, I am incredibly proud of myself.



My attention to my family and juggling work demands continues to be a struggle. But I feel good about my efforts to... be a better wife, lover, cheerleader to Jim; to pay attention to Helen and her schoolwork; to support Katie and let her grow her wings. I'm more aware of my role as a wife and mother. I've been more intentional in the way I spend time with them and the way I love them. Work continues to be a demand on my time but I've realized that the pursuit of balance may be something I never achieve. I can only keep trying.



As my friend, Janel, says.... "We don't come to this fully grown". I feel like I've done some growing. The process continues...

Lucky Girl

It's been a hectic week at work and at home. From a work perspective, the week still has one more day to go. I should be preparing for tomorrow's Board Retreat, studying my budget and financials (for the umpteenth time!).

Instead, eating peppermint ice cream and driving around on a hunt for tacky Christmas house lights with my girls won. And now, there is a homemade blueberry coffee cake in the oven --- made with blueberries we picked together this summer at a local farm.

Earlier today, I had the loveliest lunch with girlfriends. Jim planned it as part of his birthday gift to me. Friends I love... who love me and nurture me at a lunch planned by my husband. Perfect.

I'm a very lucky girl.

Thankful

Both of my girls are home now. Katie arrived, safe and sound, last night. I snapped this picture of the two of them, holding hands, at the airport. If I have done nothing else in this world right, I have raised two amazing young women.

I am thankful.

Balancing Act

Last week's assignment in "The Artist's Way" was about balance. Actuall, it was about "Recovering the Sense of Possibility". For me, I found encouragement to focus on finding time for yourself and others - without turning into a pansy. I walked away from the chapter pondering on the question, "Am I running my life or is my life running me"? The timing of this chapter, along with all of the other things going on in my life, was not lost on me.

After the meltdown of a few weeks ago, I have tried to be very intentional about balance. I've been intentional about how I spent my time, where I spend it and with whom. I've also tried to focus on priorities: my family, my friends, my work, myself. And that has meant drawing some lines and putting up some boundaries.

I thought through some requests on my time from "needy" friends. I set boundaries on how much of my time and energy I would give them. And, I stuck to it. I thought through other requests for my time. In some instances, I plunged in. In others, I said No. Most importantly, in every instance, I didn't feel guilty. MY time was just that - mine. I owned it. I was focused on how to spend it. And it felt good.

I've also been spending more time focused on Helen's academics. Unlike her sister, she does not have a tremendous amount of self-discipline. As a result, she has been struggling at school. Not because she isn't bright or intelligent, but because she doesn't have strong study skills and the discipline to actually study rather than watch television after school. I've been racing to pick her up and bring her back to the office. It has made me feel like a contestant on "The Amazing Race" - but without the hope of $1,000,000 at the last pit stop.

I got my prize today --- or the realization that all of this extra effort has been worth it. She got 100 on some extra credit she worked on last week. She sat down and did her homework this afternoon with minimal nagging from me. She has only watched the 6:30 news since we got home. She seems calmer about her school work. And, more confident. I am thrilled. I'm also realistic. I'm enjoying today because who knows what tomorrow will bring. But for today, the racing around has accomplished a goal. Time and attention for my daughter. There is plenty of work to be done, at the office and here at home. But I made an intentional decision about how to spend my time. And, today, it has paid off.