I haven't posted anything in over a month. Why? Part of the reason is fear. Fear that I don't have anything "good" to say - meaningful, powerful, profound. Part of the reason is because -- let's be honest -- no one is reading this but me. So, what's the point? It's not like anyone is missing my posts. But if I want to express my creativity and keep track of the things I'm holding myself accountable for, then I've got to post. I need to post. I need to get it out, profound or not.
I've been working on another liturgical stole. This one is for the husband of a dear friend who is a Presbyterian minister. I have said to myself that I will publish the pattern. I've made one other stole and received tons of compliments. I also received several suggestions that I publish a pattern for it. It would be cool to have an official pattern with my name on it - on Ravelry. So, what's stopping me? I've already got it written out on paper. I just need to type it up and post it.
Last Friday, I got my hair done. While I was waiting for all of the chemicals to do their thing and hide my gray, I noticed two very career-oriented women getting their hair done. One was talking on her cell while the stylist tried to wash and cut her hair. The other had her iphone plugged into an outlet in the stylist's station. Her hair was full of highlight foil and she, too, was talking away. She told her stylist that she needed to make one more call and delayed doing so only when he said that waiting might make her hair too light. She looked at him skeptically but let him remove the foil and wash her hair. I was sitting there, watching, wearing my yoga pants and a "Life is Good" t-shirt. They were both dressed "to the nines" in stylish career apparel.
For all of the stress and chaos in my life, self-inflicted and otherwise, I sat there pleased with my career choice. I'm grateful that I have a job that pushes me, a life that keeps me constantly juggling but I still have enough balance to turn work off long enough to get my hair done. Work has been challenging -- I'm struggling with managing folks and just wanting to be left alone to do my own work, not to mention an incredibly difficult personnel issue --- and home has been challenging --- Jim has come home from yet another difficult day and prepared me for the fact that he might get fired tomorrow. But I still have those moments of taking a deep breath and just sitting in a space of balance. Today it was passing up on a walk to get some much needed additional sleep and embracing how good it felt to wake up later, but rested.
Tomorrow is Friday. I'm nervous about the day and all that it holds. I hope that, no matter what happens, I'll remember to find that little space of balance. And that I'll curl up in it and embrace.
There... getting back on the wagon wasn't so painful.