Sunday, September 25, 2011

Take care of you - Part 2

I learned a few lessons over the past week. One - don't go back to work until you really feel better. Two, sometimes thing take time.

I took Monday off and spent it quietly - resting, puttering, cocooning. It had been a difficult start to the day but after overcoming my sense of inertia, a pretty good day. I should have stayed in the cocoon. The rest of the week was ugly -- tiring, frustrating, weepy ugly.

I pushed myself too hard and really didn't listen to my body and mind telling me that I needed more time away. Time to rest. I realize now that I was emotionally and physically exhausted from nearly six weeks of hectic work and home schedules and from dealing with (for me, anyway) a lot of change. In the grand scheme of things, it would be too embarassing to list them out here. I would probably be met with --- "That's it? That's all you've got going on?" And, I admit, it is frustrating when I'm not as strong as I think I should be --- able to juggle it with ease. I've spent the majority of the weekend at home - venturing out only twice since Friday night. I've slept - a lot. And I've tried to get my groove back. I'm starting to feel better - more like myself. Thank goodness.

I'm grateful for having the time and space to just be still. Helen is 13 and pretty self sufficient. She was able to take care of herself when I went to bed at 7:30 one night. She is able to get herself up and at'em with little help from her Mom. Of course, she still needs a ride home from Quick Recall practice..... I'm grateful for a husband who worried about me and gave me lots of TLC this week (if not a lot of help with carpooling). I'm grateful for the self-awareness that comes with age, maturity and experience that can recognize (eventually, anyway....) when it is time to stop, put the brakes on. And I'm grateful that I've learned a valuable lesson, sometimes it takes more time than you think.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Take care of you....

It was a lovely weekend – the first in a long while where we had very little on our plate. I climbed in bed early on Friday night, all jammied up and read until I fell asleep. My idea of Heaven. Saturday, I spent time doing my “Martha Stewart housewifey” things and had a date with Jim. Helen was on a sleepover and Jim met a friend for brunch so I had the whole house to myself on Sunday morning. Church and dinner with friends wrapped up the weekend. On paper, it was near perfect.

Why then did I feel out-of-sorts as bedtime approached Sunday night? Why was I snapping at Helen unnecessarily and generally being a big grump? A low-lulling headache was partly to blame but there was something else that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I woke up in the same funk, saw Helen off to school and called in sick. I slept several more hours and awoke to an overwhelming feeling of inertia. Don’t get me wrong, I love bed. I love snuggling up under the covers, I love sleeping in my bed (and not sleeping), I love reading and writing there. It is one of my favorite places. But this feeling was different. Instead of not wanting to get out of bed, I couldn’t get out of bed. Big difference.

After several pep talks, I started with just sitting up. Literally - “Just sit up”. After that, it was just shower. Just get dressed. Slowly, but surely, I made my way into the morning ahead. I got myself out the door to run a few errands. While driving along, I realized what was going on. I hadn’t spent any quiet time – alone, with my art, my thoughts – in weeks. And, it was catching up with me. It had caught up with me.

I came home, armed with a new jar of ModPodge, and sat down at my art table. I had been playing with some images over the weekend and played with them some more today. They are drying now waiting for me to touch up some of the edges that will inevitably poke up. I love doing my collages. They release something in me that is fulfilling, satisfying and nurturing. I look at my latest work and see the same answer that I discovered in the car. I need time to myself. I need time to recharge, be creative, be quiet, be alone.

I’m starting to feel better. I still feel really tired and not quite myself. But, it’s better than it was this morning. It is easier to push myself into the day – still at a quiet and intentional pace – and really take care of myself. I’m amazed that my need for quiet time can have such a negative impact on my sense of well-being. Amazed, relieved and a little undone by it, actually, all rolled into one. Field hockey has been cancelled for today so I can stay tucked up at home, in my cocoon, for the rest of the day. I’m glad for that. I need it.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

What does healing feel like?

We had a healing and wholeness service at church tonight. Before moving to the various stations that had been set-up, I spent some time really listening to where I felt like I should go. I lit candles for my friend and her two sons at one station as a way to send healing energy their way. At the Wailing Wall, I wrote a message asking to be freed from whatever it is that keeps me from having a healthy lifestyle and eating habits. I asked Jud to wash my prayer beads and to soak them in baptism waters. And lastly, I sat for a healing session. That was the most interesting “stop” and is still with me several hours later.

I said to Carol, the “healer”, that I had been really trying to work on those things that were keeping me from being healthy. I said that I felt like something was holding me back and that I wanted to rid of it. She asked where it seemed to manifest itself and I said my shoulders and chest. As she laid her hands on me, I felt a cool sensation. She leaned over and said to me, “Not only are you trying, Anne, you are succeeding. You are Whole and you are Beloved.” She instructed me to let go of those things that were holding me back. I took a deep breath, exhaled just as deeply and tried to let it all go. Then it ended.

What I’m left with is this…. Am I really healed? Was she sensing something in me that I’m not picking up on my own radar? Or, were her words reflective ones intended to spur my sub-conscious into action? I have spent a good deal of time – the last year – working on myself through my work with during The Artist’s Way and my focus on self-care but no real weight loss. It’s only been in the last week or so that I have given up Diet Coke, for Heaven’s sake.

Am I healed? What should that feel like? Am I reading too much into her words? These are the thoughts weighing on my mind before the start of a new week.