It was a lovely weekend – the first in a long while where we had very little on our plate. I climbed in bed early on Friday night, all jammied up and read until I fell asleep. My idea of Heaven. Saturday, I spent time doing my “Martha Stewart housewifey” things and had a date with Jim. Helen was on a sleepover and Jim met a friend for brunch so I had the whole house to myself on Sunday morning. Church and dinner with friends wrapped up the weekend. On paper, it was near perfect.
Why then did I feel out-of-sorts as bedtime approached Sunday night? Why was I snapping at Helen unnecessarily and generally being a big grump? A low-lulling headache was partly to blame but there was something else that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I woke up in the same funk, saw Helen off to school and called in sick. I slept several more hours and awoke to an overwhelming feeling of inertia. Don’t get me wrong, I love bed. I love snuggling up under the covers, I love sleeping in my bed (and not sleeping), I love reading and writing there. It is one of my favorite places. But this feeling was different. Instead of not wanting to get out of bed, I couldn’t get out of bed. Big difference.
After several pep talks, I started with just sitting up. Literally - “Just sit up”. After that, it was just shower. Just get dressed. Slowly, but surely, I made my way into the morning ahead. I got myself out the door to run a few errands. While driving along, I realized what was going on. I hadn’t spent any quiet time – alone, with my art, my thoughts – in weeks. And, it was catching up with me. It had caught up with me.
I came home, armed with a new jar of ModPodge, and sat down at my art table. I had been playing with some images over the weekend and played with them some more today. They are drying now waiting for me to touch up some of the edges that will inevitably poke up. I love doing my collages. They release something in me that is fulfilling, satisfying and nurturing. I look at my latest work and see the same answer that I discovered in the car. I need time to myself. I need time to recharge, be creative, be quiet, be alone.
I’m starting to feel better. I still feel really tired and not quite myself. But, it’s better than it was this morning. It is easier to push myself into the day – still at a quiet and intentional pace – and really take care of myself. I’m amazed that my need for quiet time can have such a negative impact on my sense of well-being. Amazed, relieved and a little undone by it, actually, all rolled into one. Field hockey has been cancelled for today so I can stay tucked up at home, in my cocoon, for the rest of the day. I’m glad for that. I need it.